Spring finally has sprung…somewhere. That’s how I started last time, but it seems the appropriate way to begin again I sit here and wait for a massive amount of snow to be dumped on us in the next few hours. Whatever happened to March coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb? Or April showers brings May flowers? Fake news, Mother Nature. You never said anything about April showers requiring snow-blowers.
Last column I wrote the animals were beginning to come out of hibernation in Al Demeter Park, which is just south of the Santori Public Library of Aurora. Because of cold and snow-filled weather, are these hungry critters supposed to go back in their dens and rehibernate, only to emerge more hungry later on when our families are enjoying all the park has to offer? I don’t think most parents would consider seeing their children devoured by ravenous wild beasts as a beneficial park offering. The beasts may have a different opinion, though.
But, I don’t care to dwell on unpleasant possibilities. Hopefully, nature will recover, Spring will become Spring, and the park will be fairly safe this Summer for everyone to enjoy. There’s a nicely paved family-friendly hiking path through the park, but because the Park District or city government has yet to erect maps at either end, you’d be advised to bring a compass and at least a day’s supply of food and water should you wander off course and get lost. An emergency first aid kit would be a good idea in case of an injury from falling into a previously undiscovered chasm created by a tectonic plate shift or from an attack by a rabid woodland creature. In the event of a creature attack, determine if the victim is still alive. If not, no further medical attention is required. If the victim is alive, check if the woodland creature has chewed off and departed with any of the victim’s extremities. If so, apply a tourniquet at a convenient location, then sing “Suicide Is Painless,” the theme song from “M*A*S*H,” to keep the victim calm and give them something else to think about. If all the extremities are in their proper location and the victim seems fine, apply a tourniquet or two anyway. It couldn’t hurt.
If hiking and the thought of imminent death or dismemberment from one thing or another is a bit too unnerving, you and the children can wander through the large gravel fields and pick out chunks you find that resemble Donald Trump’s hair. Or sit on a blanket and wait for a category 4 breeze to blow and see who’s the first to identify the different plastic bags in the tsunami of bags floating past. Keep score by using a stick or discarded Bic pen to scratch lines in the dirt. Wear goggles and cover your noses and mouths, though. There’s likely to be a dust tsunami accompanying the bag tsunami.
Guide younger children through the park’s wilderness to the famous Al Demeter Rock where, at the rock’s base, they can engage themselves in a game of Who Can Collect the Most Cigarette Butts. Older children can compete with each other elsewhere, and take the Who Can Find and Identify the Most Broken Whiskey Bottles Challenge. Even though they won’t get as much exercise as they would playing Catch the Javelin, at least it’s more sanitary than Cartwheel Over the Goose Poop.
Only experienced climbers should attempt to scale the Al Demeter rock, but it’s definitely a risk worth taking. There’s nothing more beautiful than the sight of the library drive-up windows at sunset from the top of the rock.
As yet there are no park rangers present, so it’s up to parents to keep an eye on their children and watch for the occasional pack of roaming dingoes. Do not let your children pet the dingoes! Children can quickly become dingo treats, thereby developing a taste for children in the dingoes. We don’t need these wild animals leaving the park, hanging around schoolyards or other places frequented by children, such as a grandmother’s house. What happened to Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother wasn’t pretty, and should be a lesson to us all.
With caution, you and your loved ones will have a magical outing at Al Demeter Park, the second happiest place on earth, even though there are no cartoon characters with overgrown, bulbous heads, the result of inbreeding, to delight or traumatize the children.
Please let me know how it goes. I won’t be anywhere near there.