“How wrong that Time must make amends. The wound must bleed until the scar has hid from view the outward sign of loss. And then the heart will keep a lonely vigil by that wound in corner dark, for grief is there.” —Author unknown
Life, it is said, is marble and mud.
It is the euphoria of earning a college degree and the depths of despair when a loved one dies.
It is a perfectly pacific vacation and a betrayal of a trusted friend.
Life is all those things and more.
It is said that it is not so much what happens to us as how we respond to it. There is always a choice to look on the bright side. My Father always said ”Keep your sunny side up, Babydoll.” His unconditional love made my life possible. That and a strong work ethic, faith, and a lot of luck!
So today, we are looking at loss, death, and betrayal.
Not simple subjects, but necessary ones to understand and reconcile. So let us begin.
It is personal.
It is not to be shared. It happens to all, but is felt alone. We have to establish a new identity. Because what we knew, no longer exists. The mourning process involves the healing of a wound. Only when the lost person is internalized, a part that can be integrated with one’s own personality, is the mourning process complete. A new life has to be fashioned. Without the presence and comfort and sustenance of the loved one.
Rabbi Joshua Liebman wrote in his book Peace of Mind, “The melody that the loved one played upon the piano of your life will never be played quite that way again, but we must not close the keyboard and allow the instrument to gather dust. We must seek out other artists of the spirit, new friends who gradually will help us to find the road to life again who will walk that road with us.”
And that road begins with denial, then anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and final resolution. This is the theory explained by psychologist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. If in the process you find yourself stuck in any one of the phases, seek help. Confide in trusted friends or a professional to assist you in the final denouement of your grief.
I lost three significant relatives in the space of six weeks and I went into a deep depression. Only with counseling and medication could I emerge resolved, thankful and determined to love again. It was a process that took many months. And all that they had taught me and shared remain with me to this day. I miss them. I mourn them. But I feast on this new life.
Going through such a significant grief experience will mean that you come out of it a very different person. You, hopefully, will be a stronger and healthier person in spirit and resolve. It not an easy road by any means, but you must walk it if you are to give back your heart and emerge with your new image in the mirror.