Weeds have been with us since they first came over on the Mayflower to seek a better life, especially in my yard, so I was all set to repeat my annual ritual of dumping some weed ‘n’ feed on my lawn.
I changed my mind when I heard the angry dandelions singing, “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister and saw they were armed with tiny green AK-47s. I figured maybe I’d just enjoy their little yellow faces. If the grass is hungry, it can go out and get a job like everyone else. It was getting too fat anyway. Don’t be taken in if you see clumps of Kentucky Blue near a busy intersection holding a cardboard sign that reads, “Will work for nitrogen.” The weed stuff I used last year, Big Green Bob’s Weed Armageddon and Nasal Spray, barely worked. Although my sinuses are much clearer, I discovered only one dead weed and I’m pretty sure Bob’s elixir didn’t even kill it. I found a suicide note attached to some nearby crab grass. Not being familiar with the Creeping Charlie dialect, I thought it read, “Diseased rabbits ate my brother,” but a local weed whisperer confirmed that it was indeed an indication of a promulgated glechoma hederacea demise.
Just when The Voice published my previous column extolling the beauty of Al Demeter Park, with my thought it couldn’t get any better, the city, park district, or a resident goose came along to enhance it even further by constructing a lovely new bike path, designed by a landscape architect, or an engineer, or possibly a ferret. Bikers and hikers easily can gain access to the park’s finest features, the majority of which are invisible to the naked eye or even the fully clothed one. Unfortunately, you’ll have to leave your bike on the path and hike to its famous namesake rock, which distinguishes the park from a radioactive waste area, but I consider that a small price to pay to get close enough to touch it. Or climb it. Or tell it about your gall bladder surgery.
I would suggest a couple of additions to the path. The first would be a weatherproof map graphic at each entrance so visitors won’t lose their way because if they should stray off the path without a compass, good luck. Rescuers charge for expenses incurred rescuing the careless. The second addition would be a small sign somewhere along the path’s course, maybe at a bend, to indicate a “Picture Spot” for making memories, a true Kodak moment. A possible third would state, “Stay in your vehicle and don’t feed the Bears” could be added, but I think that warning goes without saying. I said it anyway.
I swear, the Al Demeter Park is getting more like the Yellowstone every day. And if an old underground water pipe should happen to burst due to some above-ground construction, the park will have its very own geyser.
To all of you weeds out there fleeing persecution in yards across America, emigrate to Al Demeter Park on River Street in Aurora. There’s plenty of room to fearlessly propagate.