Thomas looked in his mirror one last time. His hair and face were freshly washed and shaven. His blue blazer and paisley tie were suitable and trendy. He stood only 5-foot-7 inches, but told everyone who would listen he was six feet tall.
He was fanatic about his weekly gym time, charting out in great detail what exercises he did, how long each one, how many reps. As a result, he maintained a trim muscular body all through the decades.
Thomas liked spicy foods, Mexican cuisine, and enjoyed any new restaurant that happened to open in the city where he resided. In San Francisco he found a small family restaurant where the daily soups were appealing. In Chicago he liked any Italian restaurant. In Salt Lake City, he enjoyed the steak houses. Always left a generous tip to curry favor.
Later on in life, Thomas was a church leader, served on the parish council, taught religious education and was listed on several men’s groups. Somehow, none of it mattered. He remained solitary, introverted, unwilling to trust, alone.
He seemed in all his business meetings to be calm and assured. He seemed to be a gentleman who helped women staff members with their coats and their chairs. He was crisp in his language and had done his homework and he knew the pertinent facts. He had no use for opinions. Frivolous and silly, he thought.
The long work days turned quickly into months and the years passed in quick succession. His engineering skills and acumen brought praise from his colleagues. He remained a single man and any woman who tried to love him was either rejected at the offset or abandoned quickly if he thought there would be required of him to show love and affection.
Thomas was an empty soul, glass-cold, and devoid of any human warmth. Once when he was approaching 40, he met a woman and quickly liked her. He tried to romance her, but was clueless on how to proceed. Thomas had kept a crown of thorns around his heart for so long, he just didn’t know enough to relate to her as man to woman.
His soul must have been hungry, must have thought of love, but didn’t think he deserved it. How did such a man come to be? Didn’t he desire human connection? What life occurrence had broken him to the point of narcissism?
Growing up he had a brother who died at age two and Thomas was made to feel responsible that he lived and his brother did not. His guilt was overwhelming. So much so that in high school he turned to alcohol and became dependent. He consumed Johnnie Walker Red as though it were water.
As his life unfolded, he took jobs of responsibility all over the country. He pretended. He lied. Inside his true self Thomas was a cad, a cur, a con. He did not dream dreams. He didn’t wish for a family life. Thomas wanted the constant pity party and expected that others were only there to serve him, to coddle him. He expected they would meet his needs and never required that he meet theirs. He bore no responsibility to care for anyone, but himself, in all matters.
His last days on earth came suddenly as he approached the age of 72. He did not suffer long and bore it all alone. He drove himself to the hospital. No one visited.
When death approached, he was resigned and ready. It had been a crushingly and lonely life. His solitary life ended as it had begun, alone and destitute because there was no estate. He had impulsively spent every penny he had ever earned on himself.
His cremated remains were put back into the earth near a forest preserve where he used to walk. “Remember man that thou art dust, and to dust thou shall return.”