The Chas’ confessions of a taxi driver, part four

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Confessions of a taxi driver, part four:

I now present a new category of “Crackerjacks,” which I call the “Pests.” Pests are those drivers who, while not posing any particular hazard to the free flow of traffic, nevertheless create uncertainty and/or anxiety just by their mere presence. Other Crackerjacks might consider them as “Obstacles,” to be maneuver around or to be run over, but Pests’ power is limited to annoyance and confoundedness. Still, they have no more business being out in public than their truly dangerous relatives.

Blessed are the “One-Eyes,” for they shall live in darkness and lose their minds. You’re cruising down a dark street/highway, and suddenly you spot a single headlight approaching you. It could possibly be a motorcyclist. More likely, however, it’s some fool with a burned-out/broken headlight who is too cheap to replace it until he/she is gently urged by a kindly police officer with citation book in hand. Until that moment arrives, One-Eyes often compensate by morphing into a “High-Beamer” in order to guide his/her way. The real problem is you can’t tell which headlight is missing until the very last moment before you crash into him/her.

One might suppose the One-Eyes should more properly be placed into the “Obstacles” category, along with their twin brothers/sisters, the afore-mentioned High-Beamers, but they are actually a borderline case and can go either way. To be on the safe side, you should move over to the shoulder of your lane, even if it means acing some unfortunate pedestrian, who shouldn’t be on the street/highway in the dark in the first place!

Blessed are the “Sightseers,” for they shall live in forgetfulness. Would you believe that there are drivers who actually drive under the speed limit? I have seen them and dodged them. And I have been behind them all too often.

These are the Sightseers, who gawk at everything under the sun, be it a tourist attraction, a clever sign on a building, an automobile accident, anybody with long hair and a beard, a naked person, or some other run-of-the-mill sight. They need to get a grip and pull over to the side of the street/highway, where they can gawk to their hearts’ content, and give sane drivers a passing lane.

Blessed are the “Chatterboxes,” for they shall live in deafness and lose their minds. Chatterboxes are the newest members of the Pest category and are the stepchildren of the Sightseers who feel the need to talk and talk and talk up a storm while driving instead of paying attention to where they are and where they are going.

Chatterboxes come in two varieties: The assisted and the unassisted. The former uses a cell phone, while the latter uses a loud voice. The former have a compulsion to call someone on the spur of the moment, while the latter have the need to gesticulate with both hands and arms. The former stay at the moment for all of eternity, while the latter often talk to themselves. Unless you’d like to join in their conversations (and are welcomed by the venerable one-finger salute), you’d best give them a wide berth.

Blessed are the “Squealers,” for they shall live in dizziness. Squealers love to “lay down the rubber,” and so they stomp on the accelerator at stop signs and traffic signals, or jam on the brakes wherever and whenever as the spirit moves them, or turn corners at a high speed. They can be heard light-years away; and, as the gap between them and you closes, the decibels go into the stratosphere. One can actually track their routes by careful listening. Still, carry a goodly supply of ear plugs!

Blessed are the “Boomers,” for they shall live in silence and tears. Boomers are the first cousins (once removed, on their mothers’ side) of the Squealers. They can be heard light-years away, although they have a different set of goals. They feel obligated to entertain all the nations of the Earth with their choice of music. Ear plugs are definitely advised, but use the brand the military use when on the firing line.

Blessed are the “Pretties,” for they shall live with blank looks all the days of their lives. Late for work? No time to “put on your face” before leaving the house? Why, do it on the run! Pretties are not necessarily all women; many men like the rugged look to impress other men and/or seduce women. For the fair sex, out come lipstick, rouge, mascara, and eye liner, followed by a quick comb out and/or the plucking of an unwanted hair. For the alpha sex, shaver (sometimes with shaving cream), tooth brush and paste, a quick comb out, followed for good measure a trim of the nose hair. Watching the Pretties at play is better than watching TV on the way to work. But, be sure to be discreet about it lest you receive the venerable one-finger salute.

So much for the motorized Crackerjacks. Next up, the bikers. In the meantime, eyes forward!

Just a thought.

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