Recently I switched my prescriptions to Walgreens, because the medical plan I’m on said to do that. So I did. It has saved me money and my only complaint is with the big honkin’ plastic bottles the pills come in. Thirty little pills bounce round at the bottom of the drum-sized container, just like brain cells in the skull of a member of congress. Also enclosed in the plastic sack with the pill bottle were about three-and-a-half pounds of paper with all types of warnings about side effects.
Some years back, right here in The Voice, I mentioned that 30-second prescription medication ads on TV, or scrolling across whatever screens you may be viewing, are made up of five seconds of product benefits followed by 25 seconds of possible side effects, all the while showing gaggles of happy campers romping in the background. Nothing seems to have changed since then except that more meds are popping up in ads and the side effects have gotten worse. Of course, “worse” is relative to your point of view if you consider death a bad side effect.
So what if you happen to be taking a few of these lifesaving, but sinister, prescriptions at the same time, each with a side effects list longer than a roll of Scott toilet paper? I happen to be on some meds, so I decided maybe it would be a good idea to read the side effects list of each (What follows is the Reader’s Digest compiled and condensed version):
WARNING! When taken in combination, these drugs may cause headaches, diarrhea, or the ability to distinguish your spouse from a rabid dingo. May cause uncontrollable, violent gas to explode from the bowels, precipitated by viewing The Golden Bachelor on an electronic device. This will be followed by a phalanx of flying monkeys propelled outward from the bowels by the remaining gas. Serious damage to clothing, furniture and pets in close proximity can result. Once the gas has passed, contact the ASPCA. May cause stigmata in practicing Catholics. If this occurs, spackle the holes and finish the surface according to building codes and zoning regulations in your community. May cause St. Vitas Dance in ancestors born before 1902. Do not take if allergic to any or all these medications. Doing so may cause a host of allergic reactions, including but not limited to self-immolation or death. Death indicates a serious allergic reaction and should not be ignored. Contact a physician immediately, discontinue use and under no circumstances should a cadaver operate heavy machinery, although a life insurance salesperson may be contacted before rigor mortis sets in. May cause a drop in IQ to the equivalence of a track shoe, impelling you to purchase a Chia Pet. May destroy the ability to remember the Schrödinger equation, or if you’ve flossed recently. May cause nodules to form on the forehead that should be removed by a professional lumberjack.
Going through this list of potential side effects was very educational for me. It taught me to quit reading them in the future and consume additional quantities of alcoholic beverages.