Ask Grandpa: Not a fool, however, in unfamiliar forest

Ask Grandpa
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Grandpa,
I’m not really sure where to start. All I know is that I am extremely heart-broken. Several years ago my husband had an affair. I had gone through a hysterectomy, dealt with menopause and was not feeling sexual at all. My husband complained that by my not being sexual, not wanting him to touch me, he was forced to reach out to the internet. He was talking to at least seven or eight women on a communications site. One of those women lived nearby so they eventually started seeing each other and “hooked up”, as they call it. My husband brought home an STD to me.

When I found out about the other woman, I kicked my husband out. We have since gotten back together. Recently I saw that he has been looking up (specific ethnic) massage places and porn sites. I asked him why and he has no answers for me. He belongs to a reputable massage club so there is no need for it. The woman with whom he had the affair and others he contacted were (of the same ethic background). We have been married (since long before the turn of the century) and I ask myself if I made the right decision to take him back. The trust has been totally broken. He tells me that if he wanted to be with the other woman, he could be, but wants to be with me to keep the family together. I do not believe him. He had been served with divorce papers when he decided he wanted to stay in the marriage and end things with the other woman. I just do not know what to do. Part of me wants to stay yet a bigger part of me feels he doesn’t respect our marriage or me. Please help me. I’ve done counseling and we were actually in marriage counseling prior to and after I found out about his affair. Am I a fool?

Grandpa says: No, you are no fool. You may have married one, but you are not a fool. You are traveling through a forest you have never before entered and got lost. That is not being a fool. That is what is known as being a human. I find it interesting that he claimed you were not being sexual, but was able to infect you with an STD. He knew he had that disease before passing it on to you. If he did not think his actions were wrong, he would have never hidden them from you. Get him out of your house now! He has no answers for you because facts would leave him homeless. A real man knows that love and sex are not interdependent. The intimate part of love is not a right, it is a gift shared; never to be demanded.

He is a snake and does not deserve your love. Kick him out, get an order of protection, look into criminal prosecution for deliberately infecting you and possibly others. Notify the health department that he is intentionally spreading STD. Then, never look back.

Got something stuck in your craw? Ask Grandpa. Address your letters to Ask Grandpa c/o The Voice, PO Box 123,
Aurora, IL 60507 or send an E-mail to askgrandpa@thevoice.us.

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