Editor’s note: Recently in The Voice, the announcement was made of the death of the conductor of the column, Ask Grandpa, which provided readers with 503 weeks of sage advice, humor, and continuity. Below is the repeat of the May 13, 2021 column. The Voice will continue to offer previous columns. We invite special requests of previous columns.
Grandpa,
I need help in getting my husband to shut up. He cannot answer a simple yes or no question without giving a lengthy explanation for his answer. We run (a cottage industry) out of our house. I dread when he is taking care of a customer; he is always trying to explain or justify our pricing, our policies, and any other answer he gives a customer. At a gas station we went inside to buy coffee. He was explaining to another customer why he puts the creamer into the cup before pouring the coffee in. It is getting embarrassing. I keep telling him to keep quiet and he just will not stop explaining away his life.
Grandpa says: It sounds to me like you hit the nail on the head. I am seeing a little boy who was afraid of a parent punishing him; he has to get in a quick explanation of his actions before he gets belted for his actions. Possibly he has gotten very little positive attention and is doing what he can to compensate for it. What ever happened in his life to make him so unsure of reactions to him, he needs to be encouraged. He needs to know he is trusted and believed. Does he have a problem making choices? Don’t ask an open-ended question. Ask, “Would you like this or this?” When he tries to justify his answer, tell him, “Good choice.” He needs to know that he is OK and he is trusted. He desperately needs to know that he is loved without reservation.
Grandpa,
I would love to drive out to my sister’s house and kick her cane right out from under her! She is constantly calling me to tell me that my husband is worthless because he works in a factory that is not unionized. Her husband, when he was alive, had retired from a large unionized concern. That is the only job he has ever had. My husband is working and earning about the same take home pay when her husband retired. Mine has a greater percent of his pay on his check because he does not have to pay union dues. My husband is happy with his job and his management team is happy with him. How would you answer my sister if you were in my shoes?
Grandpa says: I wouldn’t. You and I both know that she is a lonely older woman who has idolized her late husband. Anything you say to her could be misconstrued to be a slam to your late brother-in-law. You have a hard-working husband who can come home and hold you, comfort you, dine with you….Your sister has an empty house and a tear-stained pillow. What harm would it do you to let her prattle on in her memories, as distorted as they might be? You can comfort her easily by letting her have her say as often as she chooses to say it.
Grandpa’s favorite quote for this week: “Even with a COVID mask, he can’t keep his foot out of his mouth.”