After a visit to my doctor, it was once again time to add a prescription to my roster of medications for mysterious maladies affecting me, maladies that can’t be controlled by consuming mass quantities of Bud Lite. I picked up my new prescription, some medication I hadn’t had the pleasure of ingesting previously. I think my doctor prescribed it to prevent any allergic reaction I might have to coffin silk.
The pharmacist showed me a plastic bottle with a handful of the prescribed pills. The remaining 90% of the container was filled with prescribed air. When he stapled a bunch of papers half the thickness of an old phone book to the top of the white bag, the pharmacist asked if I had any questions. I asked if I could get someone to carry that out for me because I might hurt my back. He chuckled and handed me the sack. Apparently he didn’t think I was serious. I’ve commented on this in The Voice previously, but each time the side effects and paper volume seem to have increased.
When I got home, I ripped off the attached papers (whatever happened to the paperless society?), which I thought I might read before I tossed them unceremoniously in the recycle bin. Along with all the legal disclaimers was a sheet of the possible, but probably inevitable, side effects. Oh boy. As a rule I don’t read about the side effects because then I seem to experience them all in alphabetical order. But this day I was feeling adventurous and mildly suicidal, so I thought, “What the hey. Live dangerously.”
It read: “This drug may cause minor side effects including dizziness, drowsiness, fatigue, hives, nausea, vomiting, and heart issues to include the total absence of beating, none of which will cause any discomfort if preceded by the absence of a beating heart. If this medication is intended for use by children under the age of three, a competent exorcist should be present when the first dose is administered, after which all power tools, especially chain saws, should be removed from infant’s playpen and crib.
“Users may experience hallucinations such as duplicate images, weasels playing poker, Elvis, anorexic sumo wrestlers spinning yak hair into yarn, dwarfs driving Yugos, or Hessian storm troopers stomping across the bridge of the nose. Although unlikely, this drug may cause The Monkees Greatest Hits to be broadcast from one or more silver fillings in the user’s mouth or wherever else the silver fillings have been inserted. Avoid consuming Purina® Triceratops Chow while on this medication to prevent the formation of unwanted horns on random body parts.
“Should death occur at any point, immediately consult a physician. Buzzards circling overhead will be a sign to stop taking the medication since it hasn’t been approved by the FDA for use by cadavers.”
I knew I shouldn’t have read the side effects because now I’ll be looking for them, the poker-playing weasels in particular. I’ve only seen dogs playing poker.