“Confessions of a Taxi Driver,” Part Two:
In the previous ”confession,” I categorized some of the “Crackerjacks,” i.e. reckless drivers, as “pushers.” That is to say, these drivers tend to push other motorists off our streets and highways because they are in a great tearing hurry to get somewhere and cannot abide anyone who slows them down.
Why do people rush about so? Is it because, having command of a vehicle of great weight capable of great speeds, they have become addicted and seek to be the fastest animals on Earth?
Unfortunately, speeding has created a host of social problems. On today’s streets and highways, the law of the jungle prevails: kill (read: go fast) or be killed (read: get run over). These people need to chill out, relax, and enjoy the scenery. Naturally, I have given much thought to this matter, and I have come up with a few modest proposals in order to push the pushers off our streets and highways.
To wit:
•Erection of metal gates similar to the ones at railroad crossings at all intersections where traffic signals are installed. When the light turns yellow, down comes the gate, and the would-be signal-beater will eat steel for lunch – assuming, of course, that he/she is still conscious in order to eat lunch. Since I am proposing modest proposals, I will forego any mention of radar-controlled, Star-Wars-style laser cannons which would vaporize the offending vehicle.
•Construction of automobile engines with cut-off switches set to activate if the vehicle exceeds thirty miles per hour. Wire the switch to the vehicle’s battery in order to dissuade the driver from de-activating the switch. Whoa! crispy critters, anyone?
•Placement of six-inch steel spikes along all lane dividers. That would take care of the weavers. The changing of lanes would be restricted to intersections.
•Construction of automobiles without horns. Motorists in a hurry will be required to announce in a clear voice, “Please yield the right-of-way, sir (or madame),” followed by a brief, factual explanation for the request.
•I am reminded of the Aston-Martin vehicles in the James Bond films which were outfitted with a wide variety of offensive/defensive devices. Got a tail-gater in your rear-view mirror? A spray of oil on his/her windshield will change his/ her tactic (not to mention an increase of revenue for his/her local auto-repair shop!). Got a horn-honker barreling your way? Fire a rocket filled with nails in his/her path (more revenue for the auto-repair man!). Got a shot-cutter crossing your lane? Outfit your hubcaps with extended, rotating steel blades (chop, shop, where’s the tire shop!).
The possibilities are endless. And remember, the National Rifle Association has said time and again that we should arm ourselves in order to deter the naughty boys/girls in our midst from taking the streets and highways from us. Curiously, however, the NRA has limited us to only one weapon which doesn’t always solve the problem. My proposals would eliminate the pushers, rendering them as extinct species. Our streets and highways will become safe once again.
So, be careful how you drive, dear reader. The life you save may be mine!
Just a thought.