“Confessions of a Taxi Driver,” Part Five:
Until now, I have been discussing those Crackerjacks who operate motor vehicles as if they were the only ones allowed on the streets/highways. Yet, not all Crackerjacks can be found in four-wheeled conveyances; many of them operate the two-wheeled variety. And, believe me, these are just as reckless.
Let me be perfectly clear: I am not talking about motorcyclists. For the most part, they are sensible people; they are not all Hell’s Angels, nor are they Evel Knievel wannabes looking to jump over the Grand Canyon. They realize that they are operating what is essentially an open-air vehicle exposed to the elements, and they must behave rationally or suffer the consequences.
The Crackerjacks of whom I speak are your garden-variety, non-motorized bicyclists whose only qualification for operating a two-wheeled vehicle seems to be knowing how to keep their balance. Everything else is up for grabs.
Children might be excused for reckless behavior if they have not been properly trained to operate a bicycle. But adults? What, pray tell, is their excuse for acting like Crackerjacks? As you will soon learn, dear reader, the answer is the same one that motivates the four-wheelers. And bikers have their categories. To wit:
Blessed are the Corrigans, for they shall live in shame. Corrigans, as in “Wrong-Way Corrigan” of football infamy, pedal in the wrong direction and never think twice about it. Sometimes they are on one side of the street; and then as the spirit moves them, they are on the other side. No matter where they are, they are always in your way, and you are possessed to become a Honker.
Corrigans exist mainly on one-way streets. They spring up like mushrooms, looking for the shortest route, and are hampered by traffic laws. If they find no one-way streets, they have the power to transform themselves into the next category.
Blessed are the Limeys, for they shall live in forgetfulness. Alter egos of the Corrigans, Limeys drive on the left side of the street, just as the Brits do. One never knows how long they will remain Limeys; on an impulse, they may become “Norms” and ricochet off moving/parked vehicles in rapid succession. One supposes that it all depends upon the volume of traffic and/or the willingness to risk the consequences.
Blessed are the Invisibles, for they shall live in infamy. Now you see them, and now you don’t. Mostly, you don’t, because they don’t have lights or reflectors on their vehicles or wear light-colored clothing on a darkened street. They appear without warning, and one must either come to a screeching halt or scramble to the sidewalk.
Remember the One-Eyes in part four of the Confessions, dear reader? Well, here are the No-Eyes, except it is not they who are blind, only careless, appearing and disappearing at will.
Blessed are the Siders, for they shall live in curses. Siders play it safe and stay off the streets where it is clearly dangerous to be. Instead, they travel the sidewalks and terrorize pedestrians! How many times have they whizzed by you in either direction, but especially from behind, without so much so much as an “excuse me, please” or “coming through?” And often, a Sider can be an Invisible, which makes him/her doubly dangerous. The wise pedestrian must quickly hide behind a tree or a traffic-signal light and wait until the Sider passes by nonchalantly.
Blessed are the Non-Stops, for they shall live in horror. Non-Stops are, of course, the two-wheeled counterparts of the four-wheeled Beaters. For some unfathomable reason, they do not believe the rules of the road apply to them and therefore they simply sail through intersections in complete oblivion. They are wrong, and sometimes dead wrong, to ignore traffic-controlling devices. They ought to go to the nearest public library and peruse a copy of the Bicycle Rules of the Road. They will live longer.
I had hoped to have written a “Part Six” wherein I would have dealt with dangerous pedestrians. Before I could do so, however, I was fired from TONIT (that other newspaper in town), and that segment now lies in limbo. Someday, perhaps. In the meantime, dear reader, watch yourself. The Chas will be watching you as well.
Just a thought.