Every year the World Against Toys Causing Harm, Inc. (W.A.T.C.H.) produces a list of the most dangerous kiddy toys available the upcoming Christmas season. The intention is to give diligent, concerned parents a purchasing guideline so they’ll be able to instruct Santa on which toys to bring that will keep children out of the psychiatrist’s office and emergency room, and mommy or daddy out of criminal court due to the condition of their now traumatized or horribly mangled offspring.
While this is all well and good, invariably a few toys are overlooked and never make it to the list. In the interest of ensuring everyone has a joyous holiday season, I’ve taken the liberty to list a few here. My list is by no means complete, but it will serve as an addendum to the official list that some W.A.T.C.H. clerk neglected to complete when the five o’clock bell rang and he or she ran out of the office to pick up one of these listed toys before they were taken off the market.
The Misogynistic Ken doll is on toy shelves this year and predicted to be a big seller. Ken is intended to be paired with Baby Momma Barbie, but he can be purchased separately. Ken is dressed in torn jeans and a dirty sleeveless T-shirt and holds a genuine leather riding crop to be used to improve communication between him and Baby Momma Barbie. Barbie is barefoot and wears a ragged housedress and is relegated to the kitchen area of Barbie’s Dream House. Should Barbie step off the tiled kitchen floor, an out-of-bounds alarm sounds. Misogynistic Ken then rushes over to her with his riding crop to communicate that she is to remain in her place by the sink or the stove. An additional feature on Baby Momma Barbie is a round, flat button on her back. When pushed, it manually inflates an abdominal balloon simulating Barbie’s pregnancy. The more it’s pushed, the more pregnant Baby Momma Barbie becomes. Misogynistic Ken is standing by with his riding crop should she step out of the kitchen due to labor pains.
Sonic the Hedgehog April Fool’s Day Poison Ivy Pet builds on the popularity of Chia Pets. Sonic is prepared for growth by spreading the included mixture of Spam and poison ivy seeds on Sonic’s torso and then activated by pouring water into his head. A few days after Christmas, the poison ivy will sprout. When the sprouts reach maturity, the plants produce small white blossoms that encourage friends and family members to smell and touch. Conveniently, maturation is reached by April 1. The deluxe Sonic comes with a bottle of official blue Sonic Calamine Lotion.
For girls ages 6+ who desire privacy in their shared rooms, they can insure it with the new My Little Pony Barbed Wire. It’s available in 25 foot spools in all the My Little Pony colors. The spools have handles that make the brightly colored wire easy to unroll and lay as a colorful warning to curious brothers or sisters to keep their distance or their feet will get a painful education. For boys ages 6+ the same company produces My Little Zombie Concertina Razor Wire. It can be spread to a 25 foot length and is available in Entrails Red, Goober Green, and Zombie Gray. Included are random life-like latex body parts that boys can stick in the wire as a warning to potential trespassers.
The hazards inherent in these toys may not be intuitively obvious to you parents out there, but it’s the one thing the toys all have in common that relegated them to the dangerous list. Care to take a wild guess? You’re right: Made in China. Who can say for sure what hazardous ingredients (communist manifestos?) may be in the plastic mixture used in manufacturing that could cause long-term harm to precious children? But don’t worry. Next Christmas after the planned Donald Trump tariffs take effect, these dangerous toys will be too expensive to buy from China. Their production will be returned to the good ol’ U.S. of A. to be manufactured with our own hazardous materials.