Every year the World Against Toys Causing Harm, Inc. (W.A.T.C.H.) compiles a list of the most dangerous kiddy toys available for the upcoming Christmas season. The intention is to give diligent, concerned parents a purchasing guideline so they’ll be able to instruct Santa on which toys to bring that will keep children out of the psychiatrist’s office and Emergency Room, and mommy or daddy out of criminal court due to the condition of their now traumatized or horribly mangled offspring.
That’s fine, but invariably a few toys are overlooked.
In the interest of public safety and keeping grandma in the house drinking spiked eggnog rather than stumbling through the snow to be trampled by rampant reindeer, I’ve listed the two most dangerous toys, psychologically and physically, that slipped through the cracks.
First is the Pete Hegseth Drinking and Spewing Doll, which wasn’t initially on the list because all it did was drink from a small gin bottle until the doll was full. Then its spewed the fake gin out and into a plastic bucket. The doll was considered an educational toy and completely harmless unless the child got into mommy’s or daddy’s liquor stash. Later versions produced after the W.A.T.C.H. review included an accessory kit containing a small missile launcher manned by a Marine figurine with an Admiral figurine behind him, a motorboat with eight civilian figurines, and a small totem pole. Now the child cannot only make Pete drink and spew, but Pete can poke the admiral that pokes the Marine that fires a missile at the boat. If the boat is hit it bursts into actual flames and flips six of the figurines out of the boat. The remaining two go over the side but are still attached with one hand. Another missile strike from Pete’s crew and those two flip off. At this point the child should use the collected bullet of spew to put out the fire in the burning boat. This is where the physical danger comes in. If Pete hasn’t spewed enough gin in the bucket to put out the fire, it could eventually spread and burn down the house. Of course, the kid will be blamed. If the kid wasn’t interested in the totem pole, distracted by the drunken Pete doll and a missile launcher to play with, he would have noticed that the totem pole was labeled the Military Blame Totem. At the top is a Trump bust with a Hegseth bust under that followed by an admiral bust and under that a Marine bust and holding up the bottom, the smiling bust of a child grasping a dollar bill with a space for a kid to write his name. The kid would have learned that if a questionable or illegal military incident takes place, the blame always flows downward and the buck stops at the lowest person on the totem pole. Wait until W.A.T.C.H. gets hold of this new improved version.
While the Hegseth toy is mainly directed at boys, there is a Donny Dum Dum Trump doll for girls that talks and could cause psychological damage to a child of the female persuasion. By pulling a string in the back of the doll, it says, “Piggy, piggy, piggy.” Another pull and the doll says, “Are you stupid? You must be stupid.” Another pull and the doll closes its eyes, drools, slumps over asleep. Fortunately, the manufacturer had second thoughts and removed the diaper change option.
It’s very obvious even to the most casual observer that both of these toys should be added to the dangerous toys list, but will probably end up under the Christmas trees in MAGA households and Santa will get the blame.