I’ve had enough of cold February, Febrero in Spanish, and Xp$qt*Z in Klingon, and I’m glad it’s finally gone. But if your birthday is in February, you may not feel the same. Those with a February birthday were born under the two zodiac signs, Aquarius and Pisces, or the all-encompassing sign, Slippery When Wet.
It was thoughtful of our two revered presidents, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, to be born in February so future generations could have access to a President’s Day giant half-price mattress sale. Although this may get us excited, George and Abe may not be jumping for joy, or whatever it is they jump for wherever they are, that their birthdays were lumped together in order to sell off furniture overstock or gently used cars. In ancient times we celebrated their days separately. I preferred it that way and I’m sure Abe would too because the little-known story of his exploits as a vampire-hunter, coming to light in the well-researched book by Seth Grahame-Smith and later in a movie with the same name, are somewhat diminished by having his birthday tangled up with that of George. It’s just like kids born on Christmas getting scammed out of a second set of presents. Are the presents for their birthday or Christmas? Did they come from Santa or the blue-vested Walmart fairy? Why don’t I get twice as many? They’ll never know.
But what about George? He may not be as concerned as Abe and, similar to Donald Trump’s tax returns, would rather keep some secrets in his past hidden. I did my own intensive research while recovering from an all-night New Year’s Eve party and discovered George had a secret hidden past. He had contact with extra terrestrials. I know this will be shocking, but when George was a boy, his father’s famous cherry tree was sliced off accidentally by an out of control alien craft. Because George couldn’t tell a lie, he told his father exactly what happened. His father promptly smacked him in the mouth. George then tried a marauding band of saber-wielding Hessian storm troopers singing “Cherry, Cherry” by Neil Diamond, and got another smack in the mouth. George decided that perhaps he could tell a lie, told his father he couldn’t tell a lie and said that he’d cut the tree down. His father commended him for his honesty and smacked him in the mouth. The aliens later regained control of their saucer, landed in the Washington’s rutabaga patch and abducted George in order to perform various medical experiments, one of which was removing his teeth, forcing him to get a set of wooden false choppers. Scary.
Speaking of scary, you should check out an interview Tucker Carlson had with a Dutch historian Rutger Bregman. FOX wouldn’t air it, but some wise engineer recorded it off the monitors in the control room. It’s quite entertaining to hear The Tuckster flame out in a four-letter-filled rant.
Maybe February isn’t such a bad month after all.