Did all of you readers of The Voice get a good look at the eclipse without going blind? Hopefully, you all had your eclipse shades on when you watched and didn’t try to drive anywhere while wearing them…as if you could. The only thing you can see through them is the sun. I suppose that’s okay if that’s where you’re headed. Even though nothing can be seen except the aforementioned sun, manufacturers loaded on more warnings. In addition to the “Do not drive while wearing them,” you are cautioned not to shower with Comet cleanser or try to kiss a weasel while you have them covering your eyes. Perhaps I should have taken a peek with my unshielded eyes because I’d have a blindness excuse for not having my income taxes done yet. Kissing a weasel while showering with Comet and wearing my eclipse shades would work, too, and be a more believable excuse for my blindness.
Yes, I’m back to foot-dragging on filing my 1040 all the way to April 15. Because I’m not expecting a refund, it’s hard to get excited about stressing my poor, calcified, brain doing tax computations. I began doing my own taxes many years ago. It’s not as hard as most people think and doesn’t take a lot of time as long as you make up the numbers. If for one of your entries you come up with a really weird number, be sure to write, “I’m not lying” in the margin. Even so, it’s imperative that you keep accurate financial records in case you get audited. If the IRS agent questions you as to why the amounts you entered on your 1040 don’t agree with your records, you can claim it was because you were scammed into buying knock-off eclipse glasses made in China and were blinded before you began work on your tax form and kissed a weasel. Should worse come to worse and you get audited, right at the start make sure you get a detailed receipt for you children so you can have the correct ones returned when the audit is finished and not accidentally get Eric Trump.
I don’t want you to get the idea that I’m suggesting not paying your taxes. Our government needs the money to pay for things beneficial to the well being of all of us, such as the salaries of Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert. If you foolishly refuse to pay your taxes, the IRS will come after you in the persons of two large angry men in black who have no compassion for you despite all your terrified screams and, while your crying children hang on your legs, will drag you away and thrust you into a cage full of rabid Tasmanian devils that will either help you fill out and submit your tax forms or gnaw you into something resembling pink oatmeal with bones. My money is on the latter.
As I write this, the IRS is working on a new tax form based on federal tax laws that no one has ever seen. It’s purported to be so complicated even its own agents can’t figure it out. When this new 1040 form is published, please reassess the value of my suggestion to make up the numbers.