The last thing I did one recent evening was read a friend’s post about her mother’s failing health due to Alzheimer’s. I went off to bed and commented to my husband about how sad it was to watch her go. I thought about my mother.
Early the next morning, I awakened from a dream and have recounted it again and again throughout the day. I was at a gala fundraising event, and everyone I knew was there. I tried to get a group photo with my sisters, and my best friends, but they seemed to all scatter off from me, and I could not find them again.
So, I enlisted the help of my husband. I told him, “Honey, I can’t find them.” He looked at me. “Don’t look too closely,” I replied. “I’ve lost my earrings, I cannot find my purse, or my cell phone. My shoes are gone too….” He told me he would help me look and took me by the arm. I remembered working earlier in the day, but I do not know where my office is anymore. I remember changing a baby’s diaper too, but where did that youngster run off to now? We looked together, until I turned and realized that I had somehow lost sight of him. Where could he have gone? Should I wait for him? “No, I think I will go off and find him,” I thought.
I backtracked through a maze of stairways to nowhere and hallways that led me the wrong way, finally reaching a place I thought was familiar. Instead of entering the party though, I found a white wall. I pushed it and it was only drywall put up to close off the main room of the party. I pushed and pushed until a crack appeared, and soon I pushed the entire wall down. I could enter the room. There I found co-workers, from old jobs, my old boss was there too, and so many others. I realized that my friends had since left, having no interest in this party. As I looked at people laughing and talking, I realized that there were some that I did not want to see and others I did not want to notice me. I did not belong at this party, anymore.
That is when I woke up.
Hours later, I think I might have been trying to make sense of what my mother felt as she moved through her dementia towards death.
Watching a friend lose her mother brings back all the pain. I have been thinking back about how she started posting her story. I would try to give support and say that I understand. Then I would see a post about her mom is losing her ability to walk and having increasing incidents that landed her in the hospital or rehab, and finally to skilled nursing.
It is not easy to watch. When my mother was enduring dementia before her death, no one would tell me how long the journey would be. I am sure that the nurses and CNA’s knew, but would not tell. We plugged along, trying to come up with interventions, and plans, and thought we were controlling things, all the while we were in a steady downward spin. That is how I felt, never so alone, never so at odds with other family members, working so hard and never stopping. Depending on Adrenalin as my best friend. Now I get to watch my friend follow the same path. It hurts, but how do I tell her what I see? I do not think I can.
After that dream I realize I am trying to see the world from both sides, as the daughter trying to save my mom, and as the mom trying to decide whether she wanted to stay at the party.
This month the walk to end Alzheimer’s is happening across the states. It is the world’s largest event to raise awareness and funds for Alzheimer’s care, support, and research.
I urge you to do what you can to let your friends and family know you care. If you can participate, do so. If you can just take a walk together in the fresh air to clear your minds, do that. Be there to help one another. I cherish the support I had throughout my journey, but even 10 years since then, I still feel that I could use a loving hug, and I know a friend who needs to know I care, too.
Learn more at www.alz.org/walk.
Barb Nadeau is the community relations manager for Voluntary Action Center of Northern Illinois. She is a freelance writer with a long career hosting television and radio shows. She is an elected Alderman for the City of Plano Illinois and has worked in volunteer coordination and networking amongst various non-profit social service agencies. Contact Barb at bvnadeau@gmail.com.