Are you feeling overwhelmed by the fast pace and complexity of modern life (you cadavers reading this don’t count)? Actually, that question was the opening of an article I read about simplifying your life, thereby changing it from the day-to-day proverbial hamster wheel-type existence to a slower-paced one that’s a step above eternity in the pine box. The author of the article went on to outline seven ways to achieve nirvana, namely:
- Boost Your Mental Clarity. Decluttering your living space will clear your mind. I get this, sort of. If I get rid of all my essential clutter, which in turn would clear my mind, you dear readers never would have the benefit of reading and absorbing all the valuable information posted in this space with my name on top, all of which will surely make your world better place. Sorry, but you still won’t be able to come up with a single answer on Jeopardy!
- Save Time and Energy. Eliminate unnecessary tasks and focus on what matters. I’m gradually making progress in this direction. I’ve already destroyed the Things to Do lists my wife insists on giving me. I’ll do the same with the divorce papers when they arrive. Your physical health matters, too. You should get a yearly checkup if your insurance company is paying for it. If they’re not, every nine years is adequate unless something really serious presents itself, such as seeing your gall bladder drop out on your shoe.
- Reduce Stress and Anxiety. Reduce commitments and focus on what’s essential. I’ve already stopped coming home at a decent hour and while out, drinking only essential beer brands. However, the biggest stress-reliever I’ve found is swinging a dead weasel around over my head for at least 50 revolutions. This keeps my wife from approaching me with Things To Do lists.
- Improve Your Financial Health. Cut down on excessive spending. A good idea. I quit paying my excessively-high credit card payments, income tax and attending nude gerbil wrestling matches. I’ve drastically reduced the size of the tip I give to the masseuses at the I Fix You Joe Massage Parlor so I can increase my number of visits.
- Enhance Your Relationships. Dedicate more time and energy to those you love. See above masseuses’ reference.
- Promote Environmental Sustainability. Consume less and become more eco-conscious. Quit eating rutabagas. They’re big fat roots that grow underground, which is Nature’s way of saying you’re not supposed to eat them. Additionally, it is a major endorsement for a zombie holocaust. Zombies eat living-type people, which is the ultimate recycling and embodies all of the five aforementioned suggestions in one action.
- Foster Personal Growth. Simplicity invites introspection and self-discovery. You can scratch this one if the zombie holocaust is all ready under way.
I hope the preceding life-simplification ideas (enhanced with my personal thoughts and suggestions) have given you food for thought. If nothing else, consider yourself potential food for zombies.