For this week, I thought I might post some interesting (to me anyway), true facts I’ve gleaned from sources around the world and up your block. Feel free to use any of these facts to make you look smarter and better informed than the average troglodyte. Or, discard them, when I will when I’m finished writing this piece:
• Individuals in Vermont use the smiling poop emoji more than any other state. They probably consume more prunes.
• Ninety percent of 18-to-24-year-olds said they’d trust medical information shared on social media. Okay, parents. Now’s your chance to get even with them for not listening to you when you warned them about the dangers of smoking or going out in the cold without a warm jacket. Post some horrible consequences to affect all 18-to-24-year-olds who didn’t listen to their parents as much as the latest medical discoveries on Twitter or Instagram, then sit back and watch the ensuing panic.
• The pain caused by passing a kidney stone is said to be worse than that of giving birth or being shot. I can confirm it. I was shot while giving birth and the kidney stone pain was far worse.
• Speaking of getting shot, during the U.S. Civil War chronic diarrhea from disease and infection was the leading cause of non-battle deaths on both sides. It was a code of honor for all soldiers never to shoot another while he was defecating. But once he buckled up, look out.
• Skeletons used in the film Poltergeist were real because they were cheaper than fake plastic ones.
• Our U.S. Navy has been using the music of Britney Spears to frighten Somali pirates. What, no Justin Bieber?
• Madonna was fired from a job at Dunkin’ Donuts for squirting jelly donuts at customers.
• Iowa has six pigs for every person in the state. It’s not known exactly how many of the six pigs are politicians.
Undoubtedly those educational, true, fun-filled facts have whet your appetite for more facts. But where to find them? Fear not. Here are some facts that you won’t find anywhere else but right here.
• Jellyfish are 95% water and only five percent peanut butter.
• It is impossible to whistle the fourth act of Puccini’s La Boheme while eating a herring.
• Contrary to popular belief, no one ever has suffered permanent brain damage from being beaten with an overcooked pot roast. There have been a few instances where recipients of said beatings began singing, “I Put a Spell on You” by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, but the effect was only temporary and wore off once their toenails were clipped.
• Donald Trump’s new head of the Environmental Protection Agency is changing Smokey the Bear’s slogan, “Remember, folks, only you can prevent forest fires,” to “Remember, folks, only forest fires can prevent bears.”
• The chances of movers accidentally dropping a piano from a tall building and crushing you when you walk on the street below are virtually identical to that of movers accidentally dropping a Hammond B3 organ from a tall building and crushing you when you walk on the street below.
• The chances of movers accidentally dropping a whistling jellyfish from a tall building while holding an overcooked pot roast and crushing a flaming Smokey the Bear trying to whistle the fourth act of Puccini’s La Boheme with a herring stuffed in his mouth when he walks on the street below are identical to that of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins being appointed head of the EPA by Donald Trump.
Scratch that last one. You just never know.