I recently picked up my latest prescription medication. It was ensconced in a tiny bottle with about three-and-a-half pounds of paper attached with all types of warnings about side effects. Some years back right here in The Voice, I noted that 30-second prescription medication ads on television, or scrolling across various screens, are made up of five seconds of product benefits followed by 25 seconds of possible side effects. If anything has changed since then, it’s that more medications are being advertised and the side effects have gotten worse.
So what if you happen to be taking a few of these lifesaving, but sinister prescriptions at the same time, each with an arm’s length list of different side effects? I happen to be, so I actually read the side effects list the pharmacist was good enough to compile for me within the three-and-a-half-pound paper bundle.
Warning! When taken in combination, these drugs may cause headaches, diarrhea, or the ability to distinguish your spouse from a rabid weasel. May cause uncontrollable, violent gas to explode from the bowels, precipitated by viewing The Bachelorette on an electronic device. It will be followed by a phalanx of flying monkeys propelled outward from the bowels by the remaining gas. Serious damage to clothing, furniture, and living things in close proximity can result. Once the gas has passed, contact the ASPCA. May cause stigmata in practicing Catholics. If this occurs, spackle the holes and finish the surface according to building codes and zoning regulations in your community.
May cause St. Vitas dance in deceased relatives born before 1902. Do not take if allergic to any or all these medications. Doing so may cause a host of allergic reactions, even self-immolation or death. Death indicates a serious allergic reaction and should not be ignored. Contact a physician immediately, discontinue use, and under no circumstances operate heavy machinery, although a life insurance salesperson may be contacted before rigor mortis sets in.
May cause a drop in IQ to the equivalence of a canine chew toy, impelling you to purchase of a MAGA cap. May destroy the ability to remember the Schrödinger equation or if you’ve flossed recently. May cause rutabagas to form in the bladder. These can be removed by inserting a sterile garden hoe into the urethra and moving the hoe back and forth rapidly.
Please, use your common sense and don’t let your children read this information. You may never get them to chew a Flintstone vitamin again. I may just take a couple of aspirin and call my doctor in the morning before rigor mortis sets in.