I don’t know about you, but when I heard Donald Trump say he would make our country safe again, I felt a wave of comfort wash over me. For too long we’d been under threat from library books, institutes of higher learning, DEI, and the scourge of body order. So now to protect us from the outside world, we have Pete Hegseth, a former second string Fox News talking head and aspiring alcoholic, as our illustrious Secretary of Defense duly appointed to keep us safe from foreign invaders, UFOs, and large asteroids. And as our Secretary of Homeland Security we’re blessed with Kristi Noem, a professional, no nonsense pet dog shooter, who will protect us from psychotic immigrants, DEI, heathen library books, and the scourge of body odor. You have to wonder though how Kristi can keep the United States of America safe when she can’t keep her purse from being stolen even though it’s slightly smaller in square miles than our beloved homeland. Pete is at the top of his game busy handing out a top secret with every McDonalds Happy Meal. By the time you read this, Kristi Noem may have already shot Pete Hegseth.
Your favorite president, Donald J. “Jesus is my middle name” Trump had to sit in the third row at the Pope’s funeral. Even his anointed White House spiritual guru, Paula Whitetook, time away from her scam church (where she begs suckers for large cash donations) long enough to conduct a séance to get him a box seat. No luck. Some astute Vatican secretary made sure that Donny would be far enough away from any of the Cardinals vying for the position of Pope because of what happened to Pope Francis right after a visit from J.D. Vance. The powers that be at the Vatican were worried the future members of the Conclave may suffer the same fate. Beelzebub works in strange ways, you know.
The Dow Jones is on track to having its worst April since the Great Depression. But fear not, Trump says China approached him and he’s in talks with China over tariffs. Unfortunately, China says that’s B.S. (or what ever the Chinese word is for B.S.). They aren’t in talks with Trump, the U.S. or any of the Kardashians. If I have to believe someone on this, I’ll put my money on the Chinese.
Now for something completely different. As we speak (or as you read and I have a cold brew), I find myself in the burning embers of Comcast hell. A rep called my wife a couple of weeks ago and said he was sending us a new modem. She told him we tried one before and couldn’t get it working. He said too bad, we’re getting it anyway. Xfinity has such a convoluted system to get connected that involves downloading Xfinity apps and getting an instruction to go to the upper right of their web page, click on the laughing skull, then fill in your ISSG, MBSTQ, navel orientation (innie or outie) and number of parents. After submitting all that, and communicating with a horde of AI robots, you discover that a modem connection is impossible. I checked in online chat rooms and found years worth of posts from others with the same problem. One frustrated poster was even a computer tech guy and he couldn’t figure it out. If you happen to get past all the sympathetic AI helpers to a real person, you’re told to check with the customer service AI that will guide you through the set up and quit bothering me with your ineptitude.
Just for the sake of curiosity, next trash collection day I’m going to cruise the neighborhood and see how many Xfinity modems I can spot in recycle bins.