Editor’s note: Recently in The Voice, the announcement was made of the death of the conductor of the column, Ask Grandpa, which provided readers with 503 weeks of sage advice, humor, and continuity. Below is the repeat of the June 3, 2021 column. The Voice will continue to offer previous columns. We invite special requests of previous columns.
Grandpa,
I need a favor from you, if possible. I’ll explain. I was out of prison for (x amount of time) on the day that my husband got out. June third of this year I will have been out for exactly twice as long as he has been. I would like to tell him that I am proud of him and proclaim to the world that he has been out for (so many years) and has not had (a new offense) in all of that time. Prison did him good. He is a much kinder and gentler man. He is an avid reader of your column and I would like him to read about my love for him. Thank you.
Grandpa says: The best I can do is to congratulate both of you anonymously for your rehabilitation. I recognized your husband’s name. He had written to me while he was still inside. Was it the prison that did right by him, or did he choose to use his prison time wisely? I ask the same question of you. Before you were locked up, both of you made some very poor decisions when you committed your offenses. I understand both of you had taken the Lifestyle Redirection classes at your prisons. Wise choices! Thank you both for choosing to think through your decisions in the future. I bid you peace. (Grandpa’s note; Lifestyle Redirection is one of many classes that the Illinois Department of Corrections offers to help detainees learn to live a victimless life.)
Grandpa,
My husband and I were married exactly five years ago (this month). We have been trying to have a family. After (more than one) miscarriage, my husband became so discouraged that he started drinking. I finally ended up leaving him. He blamed me for not taking care of myself and the babies that were growing inside of me. Now I find that I cannot carry a baby to full term because (Grandpa will not disclose the medical condition.) My husband wants to come back to me and says we can adopt a baby to have a family. The problem is that he is still on the bottle. I told him that I will not marry him again unless he can stay sober for a full year. The longest he has been sober is (less than two months). He claims that it is the loneliness that makes him drink. He insists that he can stay sober if we were together again. I am weakening in my resolve. Do you think I should give him a trial period of being together again? I do miss the man I married, but not the man who is now a drunkard.
Grandpa says: You can spend time with him as long you are not living together. Sounds to me like he is trying to make you the scapegoat for his dependency issues. Date him on the condition that you both attend therapy; couples counseling and 12-step programs to deal with his alcoholism. Do not take the blame for what you cannot control. His choices are his alone.