In another life, I wrote essays for that other newspaper in town (TONIT) as part of a collaboration called “Common Sense.” Then, as now, I followed the dictum of my philosophical godfather, the 18th Century Frenchman, Voltaire, who said, famously: “I have come into this world to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable.”
Part of my output then dealt with what I termed crackerjacks, those motorists who drive as they please without regard to the rules of the road or, well, common sense. I listed several categories of crackerjacks, so named because that popular confection seemed to be the origin of their driver’s licenses, and I dealt with each of them in a series of essays. Later on, I followed up with a similar essay about crackerjacks who ride bicycles.
Now, dear reader, I wish to introduce you to yet another type of crackerjack, the supermarket shopper.
What’s that you say? Am I being facetious? Well, yes. On the other hand, I have had long years of experience in observing the human condition, and I can tell you that some shoppers with their carts most certainly deserve to be categorized as crackerjacks, as I define the term.
• First, the Aussies. Australians, as we all know, drive on the left side of the road. Many shoppers do, too. It can be quite disconcerting to be driving down the right side of the road and encounter a shopper in your lane coming at you. Either you have to stop and yield the right-of-way or you have to dodge into the left lane and risk encountering another shopper who is on his/her proper side of the road. May the Aussies’ wheels fall off.
• The weavers. Just as many motorists weave in and out of traffic, making more moves than a football running back, so do shoppers who are in a great hurry to do their shopping in order to get home and do whatever. To be fair, however, some weavers are just trying to avoid the Aussies. May the weavers’ wheels lock up.
• The browsers. These folks are in the habit of parking their vehicles and leaving them so that they can check out several sections of shelving on the road ahead, behind, or the other side of them. It is particularly distressing when you have two or more on the same road going in opposite directions. It is extremely distressing when they are parked in front of a section which interests you. May the browsers’ carts roll away from them.
• The rovers. These are the first cousins to the browsers. They do not have a shopping list in their hands or in their heads, and so they go up and down and all around the roads, looking this way and that and selecting whatever catches their fancy. No matter where in the store you go, you are likely to encounter them more than once. Predictably, they will morph into browsers at the drop of a bag of potato chips. May the rovers’ carts end up in the stock room.
• The yakkers. Yes, dear reader, shoppers can be distracted drivers as much as motorists. Some of them will encounter someone they know, and both will stop to converse, thereby blocking traffic. Others carry their cell phones 24/7 and cheerfully yak away either in a parking mode or in a weaving mode. May the yakkers’ carts rust away.
• The runners. Unfortunately, there are no stop signs or traffic signals in a supermarket, and therefore you must endure the presence of shoppers who keep moving non-stop. Some of them can be weavers or yakkers, as well. The ones you really must look out for are those who breeze through the intersections without warning and without slowing down. If they make a turn, they are as likely as not to enter your lane and instantly morph into Aussies. May the runners’ carts fall to pieces.
• Finally, the clanners. Shopping is often a family affair, because leaving the kids at home alone can be construed as either child abuse or contributing to the delinquency of a minor. So, there they are: Paw, maw, junior(s), and junioress(es), all merrily doing the weekly stocking up on vittles. At least Maw is doing the stocking up. Paw is there to do the heaving lifting of the vittles. Junior(s) and junioress(es) assist by running up and down the road, pointing out what in their minds needs to go into the cart, yakking, and/or generally obstructing traffic. May the clanners’ carts spin around and around and around….
Beware of the crackerjacks, dear reader, sayeth The Chas, for they know not what they do.
Just a thought.