Christmas arrived once again and with it, just like a recurring case of diarrhea, the gift-giving season. Yes, it was the time to give gifts to loving family members and valued friends, the majority of which were things they’ll never use and will end up at Goodwill where someone else will purchase them and continue the useless-gift-giving trend. But, hey: it’s the thought that counts, right?
Over the years, some potential and traditional gifts have slipped out of favor and into the useless gift category. A fruitcake is an example of one that is no longer popular due to the improvement in other types of construction materials. Electric razors used to be popular gifts to put in medicine cabinets to collect dust. A while back, there was a cute commercial showing a Santa riding on one and shaving snow-covered hills rather than applying it to his or someone else’s smiling face. At least the animated Santa was getting some use out of it, but the thought of sitting on an electric razor in the snow fails to put a smile on my face or any other part of my body.
Another gift likely never to be used is a small box of dead spiders. You may be congratulating yourself for your ingenuity and generosity as a gift-giver, but what can the recipient do with a few deceased arachnids? There aren’t enough inside to string together as a garland for a Christmas tree, so if you can’t give a large box, forget it.
If you had children on your list, I hope you didn’t buy them bear traps, even those decorated with Disney princesses. They’ll quickly end up languishing in the bottom of toy boxes clamped on to a My Little Pony or Tickle Me Elmo’s head.
Some of us enjoy giving presents to our pets. Giving gifts to your dog is easy. Nothing is ever useless. They enjoy anything and will play with a toy or some type of dead animal part until it’s chewed into oblivion. Cats are different. You may have seen these TV commercials showing cats chasing battery-powered gadgets that spin around under blankets or run around the floor, with a voice-over proclaiming the gizmos will provide fun for your cats ad infinitum or until they drop dead from over stimulation, whichever comes first. Wrong! Anyone who has a cat knows that something such as this will entertain them for a few minutes until they figure out it’s just a lame human trick to focus their attention away from using upholstered furniture as a scratching post. They’ll leave the fancy toy, never to return to it and go back to sharpening their claws on your sofa. The only way to get your money’s worth out of the expensive toy is to borrow another cat.
Some years back, bowling balls for hamsters proved to be useless, but there are those who still think they make a nice gift. If any of you readers bought one as a Christmas present, I hope you checked out the pictures of flattened hamsters on Instagram before you made a final decision.
A typical never-use gift we once received (really!) was clear glass champagne cooler. It looked just like a large crystal Quaker Oats container with a detachable clear glass collar to keep the top edge from getting chipped. It wasn’t until weeks later when a friend, noticing it being used as a toilet brush holder, told me what it actually was. The chances of my ever using a champagne cooler of any kind, chipped glass edges or otherwise, were about the same as those of my becoming a nun.
I broke the tradition of useless gifts, by giving presents that actually can be used. For instance, this year my wife got a case of toilet paper. You should have seen the look of appreciation on her face.