By the time you read this column in The Voice, we’ll be stepping into a nice April, or a brisk October, depending on how the USPS is handling our mail deliveries. If Louis DeJoy is still running the postal system, it will most likely be the latter.
We passed some significant days in March. These days are actual and official, which means I didn’t even have to make them up. Some are close to my heart, while others are closer to my lower bowels:
• March 1, National Pig Day. Keep your eyes to the skies and be on the lookout for any porkers overhead that may have assembled into battle formations.
• March 2, Old Stuff Day. For the last 30 years, that’s been every day for me. Just ask my wife.
• March 3, If Pets Had Thumbs Day. My cats could clean their own litter boxes, dogs could hitchhike, and goldfish still couldn’t do anything other than what they already do.
• March 4, Holy Experiment Day. What an appropriately named day for the promised Second Coming of the Great Orange Faced Overweight Mar-a-Lago Messiah. Much to the chagrin of the faithful QAnon Trumpsters, their savior was playing golf that day. He forgot to resurrect.
• March 5, Multiple Personality Day. My Mister Potato Head personality wrote this line.
• March 6, Dentist’s Day. To celebrate appropriately, you should stop drilling your own teeth today. Chew up a couple mouthfuls of pea gravel and give your friendly local tooth man some business.
• March 7, National Crown Roast of Pork Day. Celebrate if you like, but I’ve always felt a crown of Spam was more fashionable and far more comfortable. Maybe if Anne Boleyn had been wearing either one, Henry wouldn’t have beheaded her.
• March 8, Be Nasty Day. For me, it’s right here every other Thursday.
• March 9, Panic Day. For me, it’s every other Monday morning when this column is due and I’m still wondering what to write.
• March 10, International Find a Pay Phone Booth Day. Good luck with that. If you do find one, see if there’s any change left in the coin return. It’s probably mine.
• March 11, Worship of Tools Day. I lit a votive candle for my drain snake.
• March 15, Buzzard’s Day. When you’re out driving, remember to provide some roadkill for our feathered friends.
• March 17, St. Patrick’s Day. This is the day when the porcelain thrones in many bathrooms run green with brewskis that the kidneys wisely discarded.
• March 18, Goddess of Fertility Day. Even she couldn’t help me because what was left of mine was destroyed yesterday.
• March 19, Second Chance Day. (In the spirit of full disclosure, I made this one up. The day, not the anticipated event). This was supposed to be the second chance for the Second Coming of the Mar-a-Lago Messiah, but for the second time, the Second Coming was blown off by the Mar-a-Lago Messiah because for the second time he was out on the links, smashing his driver after a bad shot off the tee.
• March 20, Extraterrestrial Abductions Day. I hope all of you who were wearing your tin foil hats got your wish.
• March 21, Fragrance Day. Forget the deodorant. Find a now ripe something the buzzards left in the road on the 15th and hold it in your armpits.
• March 23, Melba Toast Day. Not my favorite. After my melba was toasted, I couldn’t sit down for a week.
• March 24, National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day. My rabbit celebrates daily.
• March 25, Waffle Day. Should I have waffles? Yes. No, maybe I’ll have eggs. Yeah. But oatmeal would be better. But, still, it’s the holiday, so waffles…hmm….
• March 28, Something on a Stick Day. My favorite is creamed corn.
• March 29, Smoke and Mirrors Day. How appropriate that I’m writing this today.
• March 30, Turkey Neck Soup Day. Nothing against turkeys, but I prefer Campbell’s Weasel Tail Soup.
• March 31, National Crayon Day. My dog chewed up all mine. I’m not celebrating.
Can April offer any more excitement than this March celebration? Only when pigs fly.