As millions lose their $600 unemployment checks and coronavirus (COVID-19) deaths realize new highs, I’ve been thinking about my teeth. Not because I have any major dental problems other than my bicuspids occasionally bursting into flame for no apparent reason, but because I’ve been wondering what would happen to my fancy gold bridgework if my head accidentally got caught in a wood chipper. Would the gold be tough enough to survive, the deadly, whirring blades? If so, could my bridge be reused? Would I have bigger things to worry about than my mangled gold teeth?
Some time back I wrote about the days of my youth before technology was invented (the 1950s) when dentists were the Ministers of Pain. There were no high-speed drills with a cooling water spray as my dentist bored into my Novocain-less teeth (not used to deaden pain for mere fillings back then), sending little wisps of smoke over my lips to dissipate in his oral-weapons-filled office, while I squirmed in the chair and prayed for divine intervention. Fortunately, in order to insure my future dental health, on the way out of the office I was allowed to pick from his candy bowl a big piece of candy that caused cavities before it was even unwrapped. Nevertheless, it put a smile on my tear-streaked face and assured the dentist that I’d be back.
Over the years I was back and dental pain control technology came into being consisting of a weasel gnawing on your fingers that as you sat in the dentist’s chair and made you forget the pain from the drill. I have the aforementioned shiny gold bridge and a sparkling gold crown to show for my dentist visits. I have vise grip pliers handy just in case, in this failing pandemic economy, I’m forced to yank out one or the other to pick up a few bucks. But if my head gets stuck in a wood chipper, all bets are off.
Speaking of all bets being off, Congress decided to be off on a well-earned (?) vacation without agreeing on a bailout plan for the millions of poor souls who are in the process of losing their unemployment checks, unless Congress agrees to a solution. A few major players stayed behind to hammer out an agreement on how to get relief money back to previously-employed folks. Just to gum up the works and make reaching a compromise harder, on his way to a weekend on the links (see page13), The Donald, our self-proclaimed “resident genius,” threw in a last-minute (he’s good at doing these kinds of things late on Fridays) attachment to the GOP relief proposal. He wants to have Congress vote on having the new FBI headquarters building constructed in its current location even though costs would be much higher than if it were constructed elsewhere. The new building wouldn’t be big enough to hold all the current FBI employees. As a mere coincidence, a nearby Trump hotel gets a lot of business from the FBI. It even caught Mitch McConnell, the Senate majority leader, off guard, after hearing about it from a questioning reporter. Mitch was left wondering what the new FBI building had to do with his proposal to reduce $600 relief checks to $200. He later figured it out.
To be fair to Donald, what could be more important to Americans facing evictions, sickness, or death from a pandemic, risking their kids’ health by sending them to school, or not having money for food or medicine, than keeping Donny Boy’s Trump hotel profitable? Clearly, the priorities of the American people are out of whack. Don’t they realize when the Trumpster is happy, everybody’s happy?
I hope you all remember this nonsense on Election Day or when you send in your sure-to-be-tampered-with mail-in ballot (if the post office still exists) and vote for whomever you think wanted to keep the $600 checks coming to your mailboxes. Many of those congressional members feel $600 is way too much and turns people into couch potatoes when they should be out applying for jobs that no longer exist. It is provided mailboxes haven’t rusted shut because there is no more post office so why would you need a mailbox to get a $200 rather than $600 check anyway. Forget about all that. Just remember to brush and floss regularly and don’t go near wood chippers without a motorcycle helmet. You should be wearing one, too.
It all makes me tired. I think I’ll fill out my Abu Dhabi citizenship application and call it a day.