Well? Have you made them? Have you broken them, yet? It’s already been three days. What are you waiting for? In case you’re more confused than I am, which hardly seems possible, I’m referring to New Year’s resolutions. It’s out with the old, in with the new, although it has become apparent to me that as each year passes and I’m a year older, the resolutions I make are forgotten sooner, so it’s no problem throwing out the old ones. That being the case, I can just start over with a new batch, which could very well be a regurgitated old batch that I’ve forgotten. If nothing else, I can fill up some space. So here goes:
I will no longer read about the side effects that may be caused by my medications, which may end my dependence on depression medication, whose side effects, coincidentally, are the reason I need my other medications (I’m beginning to see a viscous circle here).
To maintain my health and proper weight, I will avoid foods with a lot of fats, palm oil and high fructose corn syrup, and only eat healthy foods that taste as if they came out of the bottom of a hamster’s cage. If I encounter foods that taste good, I know they’re loaded with fats, palm oil and high fructose corn syrup. I’ll stop consumption immediately and return to the healthy type. Sorry, hamsters.
I will no longer buy American products made in China; I’ll only buy Chinese products made in America.
I will have my New Zealand citizenship papers ready in case Trump gets elected later this year.
In the last few days before the Asteroid 2007 FT3 strikes Earth, I’ll go to the outlet mall and max out all my credit cards. I’ll call Two Guys with a Truck and cancel my move to New Zealand.
I will stop spotting images of the Virgin Mary in various inanimate objects such as bacon grease, mud puddles, or CT scans of a politician’s brain.
I will not waste my hard-earned money on a six-dollar coffee drink, but save it for something more worthwhile and valuable, such as a six-dollar margarita.
I will check my driver’s license on a regular basis to remind me of my advancing age, so if one of my major organs ceases to function, I won’t be surprised.
I will no longer allow monkeys to fly out of my butt.
I will try by way of my so-called humor, although it may be out of my control, not to offend anyone with my writing. The rare exceptions would be the extreme right wing whackos in Congress, Donald Trump, anyone in the lunatic fringe who stormed the Capitol January 6, 2021, and semi-regular Voice contributor Wild Bill “Alternate Facts” Suhayda. It’s always nice to hear the real truth from Bill, even if his truth has no basis in reality. If any of those aforementioned exceptions are offended, then I’ve done my job.
So that’s it. In 2024, focus on what’s right in your life and not what’s wrong, on what you have, not what you don’t have, and doing your best to make the world a better place because you’re in it.
Happy New Year!