It looks as if we’ll no longer have to worry about the 2024 presidential election, or any elections for that matter. Oumuamua will make them all moot points. Yes, dear readers, the big cosmic hunk of doo-doo that entered our solar system first in 2017 has made a triumphant return and some observers think it may be on a collision course with our own friendly planet and cause its imminent demise, which would result in a really bad day because that’s where many of us human-types live.
“Oumuamua” should not be confused with “Papa-Ooo-Mow-Mow,” a song by the Rivingtons that will only cause intellectual demise if heard too many times. “Oumu” (I’ll call it that because typing all the rest of the name confuses me), a quarter-mile long, reddish hunk of who knows what, has been cruising around outer space and our galaxy at a leisurely 196,000 miles per hour. It does truly resemble something you might step on in a dog park, but scientists have discounted the theory Oumu might have originated in the galaxies of Canis Major or Minor where they reside in the great dog park of the universe.
Some scientists think Oumu could be a space probe from an otherworld civilization because it has metallic properties and emits no tail flowing behindit as other high-speed space objects such as comets do, and Oumu follows no specific orbit. When it approached the sun, it suddenly changed course and sped away in a different direction. It’s not an asteroid, it traveled millions of light years to get here, so what is Oumuamua? Maybe a rare kind of rogue comet nobody knows existed. Whatever it is, Elon Musk says it will hit Earth in 36 hours. That was 72 hours ago. I just looked out the window and noticed that I’m still here.
•Don’t miss the opportunity to run out and get your cheaply-made, overpriced “greatest edition ever put into print” Trump God Bless the USA Bible. The orange-faced con man could no more tell a bible verse from the instructions on a tube of Preparation H. That bible’s been around for a while, but without Trump’s precious name slapped on it, or a jacked-up price. By the way, 79% of the people who bought the Bible all ready have given it a one-star review. Can’t you just picture Trump in the Old West standing in the back of his horse-drawn medicine wagon, hawking useless items to a small crowd of gullible townspeople?:
“My friends, and you know you are very special people, once you read through this Bible, I personally guarantee that when you pass from this life where, by the way, liberals are all out to get me, a celestial choir of angels will burst out in divine arias and the Pearly Gates of Heaven will swing open as you approach. Would it not be worth $60 to insure your eternal joy?”
“When you put on a pair of these Golden Athletic Shoes, covered with the finest iron pyrite ever mined, I will guarantee on the soul of the dearly departed brain of my son, Eric, you will never be thrown from a horse again. And now, I offer this fantastic gilded footwear available exclusively from me, the only truly honest traveling merchant in these parts, and you know I am, for a measly $400.”
•Lastly, speaking of one-star reviews and con men, on to Bela “Trump Toadie, Global Warming Denier, Golden MAGA Athletic Shoe-wearer and Most Likely Flat-Earther” Suhayda, who was ragging on me again in the March 28 edition of The Voice. Like the typical narcissist who believes, “Everyone is always wrong but me,” Suhayda wrote that 27 psychiatrists around the Nation are wrong in their unanimous evaluation of Trump’s mental decline. So if Wild “I know more than professionals” Bill can get the psycho-blather of Truth Social out of his head for a couple of seconds, I hereby dedicate this quote to him:
“When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” —Sinclair Lewis (quote most often credited to him).