From the vault, June 11, 1998 and May 10, 2001 (revised):
In my lifetime, I have traveled by foot, by bicycle, by automobile and truck, by airplane (single-engine and jet), and by boat (oar-powered and ocean-going). I have not yet traveled by motorcycle; I’m still debating that one, nor by dirigible or hot-air balloon, though I would love to, nor by spaceship: Beam me up, Scotty.
During all of these modes of transportation, I have acquired one abiding habit: People-watching. I can tell you that I have done so not only from a sociological point of view, but out of self-defense. Many on our streets and roads, it seems, have gotten their driver’s licenses out of a box of a well-known confection, because the rules of the road are an alien concept to them. Appropriately, I have dubbed them the Crackerjacks, because they have no business operating a two-ton potential weapon.
When I was writing for TONIT (that other newspaper in town), I created a series of essays delineating the different types of Crackerjacks to avoid. Because I have limited space in this publication, I will restrict myself to two of the categories:
Both of these categories have one thing in common, however: Motorists who are in a great, tearing hurry to be elsewhere and so are willing to fudge on the traffic laws in order to accomplish their missions. Ever since humankind gained sentience, it has desired to emulate the rest of the animal kingdom, particularly the fast ones. Over the millennia, humans have been, you’ll excuse the pun, dear reader, driven to move from Point A to Point B in the blink of an eye.
Unfortunately, speediness has created a new class of social problem. On today’s streets and roads, the law of the jungle seems to predominate; i.e. kill (read: move fast) or be killed (read” get run over).
The first category of which I speak is the Pushers. Pushers tend to push other motorists off the streets and roads in order to clear the way for their own passage. They weave in and out of traffic, changing lanes at the last second, or they tailgate to intimidate other drivers into speeding up, or they honk their horns repeatedly to protest anyone claiming their space.
The second category I call the Runners, and they are definitely a menace. They regard yellow and red traffic signals as an affront to their constitutional right to travel as they please and would rather not wait for the next green light, and so they speed up and barrel through the intersections, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. The reader may think that they are too close to the intersection when the light changes to be able to stop in time. True enough, but 50 feet from the intersection? The desire to be elsewhere trumps all.
What to do about these inconsiderate folk? The Chas has given the matter much careful thought and has arrived at a few modest proposals to counter the Pushers and the Runners. To wit:
• Erect metal gates similar to those at railroad crossings at intersections where traffic signals are present. When the light turns yellow, down comes the gate. Runners will eat steel for lunch (assuming, of course, they still have mouths).
• Build automobiles with cut-off switches set for 30 miles per hour, to give Pushers plenty of time to review the rules of the road.
• Set six-inch spikes along all lane dividers. Pushers will drive the straight-and-narrow, or else.
• Build automobiles without horns. Pushers and Runners will be required to announce in a loud, clear voice, “Please yield the right-of-way, sir (or madam),” followed by a brief, factual explanation for the request, e.g. “My wife is in labor, and she is expecting sextuplets,” or “My son is deathly ill after eating my wife’s tuna casserole.”
• Build automobiles with a high-tech array similar to that in those Austin Martins in the James Bond films. The possibilities are endless. Pushers and Runners soon will become extinct species once sufficient numbers of them receive the spotlights they observe.
A word of warning, dear reader: Watch out! The life you save may be mine.
Just a thought.