A couple of editions back, I commented on some new products available for adults and children as potentials for Christmas gift-giving. Sales figures are coming in from Amazon and other retail outlets as to how these items were accepted in the marketplace by us lowly consumers. Plain, old, every-day, electric shavers continued to lose ground, but the new do-everything-but-raise-your-children-USB-powered types made some modest gains. Sales of the Artificial Dead Houseplants never took off, especially with the discovery of a 32,000-year-old flowering plant brought back to life by the Russians (true, folks. National Geographic wouldn’t lie). Plant owners realized that if they buried their dead houseplants in permafrost for 32 millennia±, their own plants would spring back to life thereby eliminating the need, no matter how realistic they may appear, for an artificial dead one.
On a brighter note, although the Barbie® Plunger with the Toilet Overflow attachment was a success, sales of the Barbie Guillotine in pink with matching pink Head Catcher Basket outsold it. The original thought was that Barbie would be using it on one or more of her female friends or relatives who put the moves on Ken, but surprisingly (or maybe not), this gave a big boost to the sale of Ken dolls that ended up headless. Apparently there are a lot of male-bashing, vengeful, little girls out there who blamed Ken for instigating the advances. I forgot to mention last time that the Barbie Guillotine package includes a roll of yellow “POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS” tape to wrap around Barbie’s Dream House.
Sales of Touch Me And I’ll Punch Your Lights Out Elmo were going great guns until complaints began coming in about children with slower reflexes ending up with black eyes or bloody noses. The manufacturer since has added a control to adjust the force of Elmo’s punching action from “Sissy” at the low end to “Superman on Steroids” at the No. 11 spot on the dial.
It should surprise no one that Mr. Potato Butt did well. Kids always seem ready to giggle about anything concerning butts. What was a surprise though was the increased appeal to adults with the last-minute kit addition of a yellow plastic simulation of Donald Trump’s hair. Sales took an immediate jump. Because of this, the company now plans to add a Stormy Daniels doll holding a rolled up magazine to the mix later this year.
Speaking of toys, I’d like to add a personal tangential digression here (happens a lot, doesn’t it?). Back in my Army basic training days, early on we were given our M16 rifles to love and cherish and treat as if they were our own offspring. In my usual snarky and sarcastic way I said, “These things are plastic. I bet they were made by Mattel®.” Later in the barracks, we had to disassemble our M16s and oil them up. When I pulled the plastic handgrip and stock apart, inside in capital letters I saw “Made by Mattel…It’s Swell.” Not really. It said only, “Made by Mattel” with a round Mattel logo. I almost choked. I had only been kidding when I’d said that earlier.
I’ve only recently learned that Mattel made a toy realistic-looking M16 rifle in the 1960s and because the real M16s were prone to jamming in the field, GIs in Vietnam mocked them as the made-by-Mattel toys. The Mattel logo was later removed to restore faith in the weapon and end the disparaging remarks. The logo was reserved for Barbie, et al.
Disclaimer: Yes, the M16 material is real and no, the Barbie accessories are not. Sorry, kids. The other items mentioned are available for development and presentation on Shark Tank.