For the third The Voice column Iâm writing this month, itâs a beautiful day in the neighborhood. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, my Lumi deodorant is doing its advertised job, the stock marketâs up, inflation, gas prices, Donald Trumpâs poll numbers and the value of his Truth Social stock are down. In fact, by the time you read this, Truth Social might be belly up and in the dumpster with all of Trumpâs other failed businesses. If I may paraphrase con man Harold Hill, âYou got trouble, folks, right here in River City, trouble with a capital âTâ that ends with âPâ and that stands for Trump.â
Speaking of a con man, Trump is busy hawking his junk out of the back of his medicine wagon and scamming gullible MAGA saps, you know, those who complain about the price of groceries, which they no longer can afford, but will snapping up his overpriced meadow muffins. The latest muffin is his $100,000 watch. But beware, MAGA dupes. Trumpâs own website warns (true, surprisingly) that the watch you see pictured may not be the actual watch that arrives. Itâs for illustration purposes only and itâs non-returnable. So if you donât like the watch you get instead of the one you wanted, too bad for you. The best you can get is an apology hand-written on a pig bladder. So whadda ya want for a hundred grand? Quality? Your moneyâs worth? 1297 lawn flamingoes?
Curiously, the watch company providing the watches for Trump is in a middle-class home in Wyoming. Theyâre being sold by another company in Wyoming in a store in a strip mall that sells sexual enhancement products. The Hollywood Reporter states that theyâre made in China, not Switzerland. The watch was examined by jewelry experts and the telltale signs they came from China were the bluish Chinese screws used to put it together, and the actual value of the watch would be no more than $300-$400. Itâs probably too late for Wild Bill âTrump Can Sell Me Anythingâ Suhayda, who most likely took a second mortgage on his home to buy one. No refunds, Wild Bill. If you holler enough, youâll get a lovely pig bladder suitable for framing or for use as a tire patch.
With this watch added to his gold gym shoes, coins, poor quality bibles and digital trading cards, Donny Dimwit has 202 products for sale. His digital cards, which will soon be worth nothing, have already earned him $330,000 from MAGA dumbos complaining about the price of rutabagas. Not to be outdone, Melania has tried to hang on the speeding Trump medicine wagon while her spouse is busy stomping on her fingers so sheâll let go. In an interview the economy is so bad people canât afford groceries (where have we heard that before?), so sheâs selling them bargain-basement-priced $90 Christmas ornaments and necklaces. Trump is supposed to be a billionaire presidential candidate. How many others do you see on TV peddling their overpriced, foreign-made junk? Let me see. About 0.
Hard to believe, but I may be wrong about that. Technically, you can stick Elon Musk in the category of billionaire junk peddlers because heâs been peddling the large orange road apple that is Trump while dumping millions on pro-Trump voter research.
What about those pillaging, murderous, pet-eating immigrants? Lindsay Graham, who may be a closet pet-eater himself, said Trump killed the bi-partisan immigration bill that would have helped keep those hungry hounds outside our borders.
My advice, dear The Voice readers, is donât worry about immigrants eating your cats and dogs. The coyotes will most likely get to them first.