Dear reader, once again I am officially announcing my intent to run for the office of president of the United States in 2024. I have thought long and hard (about five minutes) concerning this decision, but I believe it is my civic duty to seek this office. I am making this announcement admittedly at an early date in order to allow myself enough time to make the necessary preparations to file my candidacy officially and to acquaint the voters of America with my political platform.
As I see it, America has gone astray for many years. The Constitution has been ignored egregiously. The political parties have become corrupt and contemptible. The elections have been rigged. The news media have become quite banal and self-serving. And the American public has grown weary of it all. Therefore, a new direction is required to put our great Nation back onto the path which the Founding Fathers envisioned nearly two-and-a-half centuries ago. As a student of history, I believe I am uniquely qualified to map out that new direction and to guide America along the right path.
What then, you may ask, will be my platform?
My first official act, upon taking the oath of office of President of the United States, will be to arrest anyone named “Trump” and anyone who used to be named “Trump” and transport said persons to the facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where they will be required to read and memorize the works of John Locke and to listen to the music of the Beatles during their waking hours.
My second official act will be to eliminate all of the current Cabinet positions and to replace them with new ones to reflect my views on efficient governance, e.g. Department of Holistic Medicine and Department of the Environment
During my first 100 days in office, I intend to do the following:
•Legalize prostitution for medicinal and/or recreational purposes.
•Exempt from income taxes anyone whose middle initial is a “C.”
•Disband the United States Army and replace it with Eagle Scouts equipped with bows-and-arrows and sling shots.
•Disband the United States Air Force and replace it with drone operators.
•Disband the United States Navy and replace it with seals (the animals, not the humans!).
•Appoint diplomats through a national lottery involving all historians between the ages of 25 and 50.
•Pay the members of Congress the Federal minimum wage only during days of actual work.
•Require all Federal employees to travel to and from their residences and places of employment either by bicycle, roller skate, or skateboard (their choice).
•Mandate dirigibles for interstate travel.
•Mandate hot-air balloons for intrastate travel.
•Paint the White House a golden yellow.
•Cede Texas back to Mexico and Florida back to Native Americans.
•Grant independence to all U.S. territories.
•Grant independence to Hawaii.
•Provide, free of charge, a life-time supply of popcorn to every man and woman who voted for me.
•Send a box of chocolates to every head of state in the world on Valentine’s Day.
•Declare Sundays and all Federal holidays as “no advertising days” on all media.
•Sponsor croquet matches on the White – uh, Golden Yellow House lawn from May through October.
•Make April Fool’s Day a national holiday whereby all Americans may pull pranks on each other without legal liability.
•Create an annual fair on the Washington Mall during the week in which Independence Day occurs (members of Congress will be obliged to take a turn at the dunking station).
My campaign slogan once again will be “Make America Fun Again.” If you believe, dear reader, as I do, that the U.S. of A. has not been very much fun of late, then vote for me on 08 November. Thank you in advance for your support.
Just a thought.