From the vault: March 2, 2017 (revised):
Dear readers,
I am hereby officially announcing my intent to run for the office of President of the United States of America in 2028. I have thought long and hard (about five minutes) concerning this decision, and I have concluded that it is my civic duty to seek this office. If the likes of Donald J. Trump can be elected, I’ll be a shoo-in because I have a degree in history. I am making this announcement at an admittedly early date in order to allow myself enough time to make the necessary preparations to file my candidacy and to acquaint Americans with my political platform.
As I see it, America has gone astray under the Donald Trump administrations. The Constitution has been ignored. The political parties have become corrupt. The elections have been rigged. The news media have become quite banal. And Congress has become apathetic. A new direction is required to put our great Nation back onto the path which the Founding Fathers (and Mothers!) envisioned 250 years ago. As a long-time student of history, I feel eminently qualified to map out that new direction and to guide America along that path.
What, dear reader, you may ask will be my platform?
My first official act, upon taking the oath of office as President of the United States of America will be to arrest any person named ”Trump” (or used to be named “Trump”) and to transfer these persons to the facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where they will learn a useful trade, e.g. sweeping the streets of America or picking up trash in public property.
My second official act will to eliminate all of the current cabinet positions and to create new ones which reflect my views on proper governance, e.g. historian of the United States, human relationships, and barter.
During my first one hundred days, I intend to do the following:
- Exempt from Federal income taxes any individual who possess a degree in history.
- Disband the current U.S. Army and replace it with troops of Boy and Girl Scouts armed with bows-and-arrows and slingshots (respectively).
- Disband the current U.S. Air Force and replace it with specially trained falcons and carrier pigeons.
- Disband the current U.S. Navy and replace it with pods of dolphins.
- Appoint diplomats to foreign countries through a national lottery involving all adults between the ages of 25 and 35.
- Mandate that the members of Congress be paid on a per diem basis.
- Require all federal employees to travel to and from their places of employment either by bicycle, scooter, or roller skates (their choice).
- Legalize marijuana for both medicinal and recreational purposes.
- Legalize prostitution for the same purposes.
- Revive the dirigible industry to compete with the airplane industry.
- Paint the White House a golden yellow.
- Negotiate with Mexico for the return of Texas to its sovereignty.
- Negotiate with Russia for the return of Alaska to its sovereignty.
- Negotiate with Spain for the return of Florida to its sovereignty.
- Grant Hawai’i its independence.
- Provide, free of charge, a lifetime supply of popcorn to every man, woman, and child.
- Send a box of chocolates to every head of state in the world on Valentine’s Day.
- Sponsor croquet matches on the White – uh, Yellow House lawn from May to October.
- Declare Sundays and holidays as “no advertising” days on all media.
- Make April Fool’s Day a national holiday whereby all Americans may pull pranks on anyone without legal liability.
- Sponsor hopscotch races down Pennsylvania Avenue every second Tuesday of the month (weather permitting).
- Create an annual fair on the Washington Mall and require every member of Congress to take a turn at the dunking station.
My campaign slogan will be “Make America Livable Again.” If you believe, dear reader, as I do, that the United States of America has become the “Untied States of America,” then vote for me on November 7 2028. Thank you in advance for your support.
Just a thought.